Christmas Miracle

My dears, hello. There may be some fellows out there who have noticed my blog has been rather inactive as of late, for indeed, I have not been posting anything. Cutting all short: I lost the will, well and truly. The past several months have been incredibly difficult for me – I’ve been sprawling in sludge, really – and it came to be that I could not face anything at all. I have had nothing to blog about recently, anyway, and creative inspiration flew out the window. Besides, I have been frustratingly busy, especially in December. Curse that month and all its holiday obligations.

I have had a particularly severe case of Ebenezeritis (that is, Scrooge Syndrome) this past Christmastime. I am a yearly sufferer of this, but this Christmas was something else, quite frankly. I don’t think I have ever been more Scroogey in my life. Even looking at wrapping paper infuriated me, seeing merry Father Christmases and gaudy font, and snowmen and reindeer and sparkly stars and all the rest. Ugh. I always find it quite amazing how low I become on the brink of Christmas – so 22nd, 23rd, 24th. It is almost as if someone – or something – flicks a switch in my mind that turns off any hint of light in my eyes, and I see nothing but obscure shades like in the night-time. No wonder I turn into Scrooge. As a result of this internal darkness, I seek nothing but isolation and personal reflection around Christmastime, which I appreciate is the complete opposite of what is accustomed for the festive season. But, fear not, for my Christmas Days never turn into antisocial affairs, no matter how much I may want it to be as such. This year, I saw wider family on the day, which is not a typical Christmas for me, and it seemed like everyone in the household was plagued by a hideous cold that has been lingering around. And so, I spent the day recoiling from the endless splutters and spewing from those around me. Gotta love family, right? 😉

I hope everyone else had a more merry time of it, though. Not that I had a bad day. I didn’t. It was fine.

But, I have a question:

Do you believe in miracles?

What about Christmas miracles?

I said earlier that I have been having a tough time of it for the past few months. Truth be told, I’ve been having a tough past eight years, but the last few months really have been something else. Certainly something different, anyway. Cutting it short again, I fell back into depression quite badly (I never actually left the merciless grasp of depression to begin with, but I had slowly been climbing up that very slippery slope. I guess I lost my footing and took a plummet downwards). Not only that, but this time around I developed panic disorder, leading to ridiculous agoraphobia and I basically did not step out the back door for a month or so, and if I did, it was with my wonderful mother who basically held my hand the whole time like I was a young child again. She came to my rescue, most certainly. It had been a long time coming, in a way, and I had finally grown wise enough to realise that I cannot help myself without admitting I needed help. I had known I needed help for years, yet never acted upon it, for admitting it is through an entirely different door whose key is terribly challenging to acquire. But it is situations like these that call upon our inner valour, and it is up to us find that key, unlock the door, and reveal our strength to both ourselves and to the world. Upon my admission of needing help, I have ended up on anti-anxiety medication (which are also anti-depressants) and I am in the process of therapy – it is a nightmare, really, but it must be so. I am only several weeks into my therapy, and I have basically spent every single session staring at the clock on the wall, at which my therapist believes it is apt to make jokes. The other week when I was with him, I looked to the wall for the clock, but it wasn’t there…

“Oh, there’s no clock,” I said, secretly quite mortified by this. I had my watch on, though, so catastrophe averted.

“Yeah, I told them to take it down,” he casually replied.

“Did you?!” I could not contain my surprise.

*laughs* “No!”

I mean honestly.

Anyway, panic attacks have been a problem over the last few months, but thankfully things have improved for me dramatically and I haven’t had a panic attack in many weeks, and since my anxiety has lessened I am now able to walk out on the streets alone. As inconsequential as that may sound, it was/is actually a huge breakthrough for me considering how bad I was not too long ago. Any other panic suffers out there will understand. But on Christmas Day, I experienced something which I can only pin as being a miracle. It was. It really was.

I had a terrible accident with my horse over a year ago now, and part of my panic disorder was suffering from delayed shock from the situation. As a result, even seeing horses on television occasionally causes the beginnings of a panic attack for me – not a full-blown panic attack, you understand, just a mini one, as I like to call it: I feel my chest tightening with a sneaky pain creeping amongst it, my heart starts palpitating, and my stomach flips and knots and nausea floods me. So. Understandably, seeing a horse in the flesh amplifies these ‘mini’ panic attacks into full-blown ones.

I live in a small town (12,000 or so people), and it only takes a few minutes to walk to all three of the linked Anglican churches from my house. The church that was holding Christmas Communion happened to be the one in the town square, and as I was walking down the road which leads onto the high street (basically the only main road in my town which also happens to be ‘town’ itself), I saw something I really did not expect to see. This just sums up where I live completely, to be honest, rural and slow-paced as it is, but I saw two horses with their riders walking down the high street. I was taken aback, halting my movement, and watched for a moment as the horses clipped on by. And that was it. Then I continued walking, with not a care in the world. Not one ounce of panic filled me. Not one bit. I couldn’t believe it!! Truly, as baffled as I was to have not collapsed in a panic attack, I was also awestruck, and I decided not to dwell over the mystery of the situation; instead, I smiled to myself more than I did at any other point that day, frolicking with inner joy. Because I am not alone in this. Alone, perhaps I would reach the end of the road in time – who can say how long it would take, though? But with God, I can hold His hand all the way, and if I stumble, He is there to pick me up again.

But isn’t Christmas Day a miracle in itself? The coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, born of the Virgin Mary, hmm? That’s what it’s all about, and if it were not for that miracle Christmas would not be celebrated in the first place. I think we all need to remember that. There are people out there who believe miracles to be a far-fetched concept, but I believe there are miracles every second of every day. Watching the sunrise is a miracle. Seeing the ever-changing hues of the sky is a miracle. Laughter is a miracle, tears are a miracle. Love is a miracle. Music is a miracle. Birdsong is a miracle. The seasons are a miracle. Blossoming flowers are a miracle. Life is a miracle.

And so we should love every second of what time we are given here on Earth. Even if it brings you depression. Even if it brings you panic disorder. For there are still miracles to be found, to be seen, to be heard. In fact, when you suffer from depression or any other mental issue, miracles are even easier to find. It is as though God leans down to you amidst your suffering to say, “Hey, I know you’re struggling, I know this is hard, so I will bless you to see the beauty in the smallest of sights and to know the strength in the simplest of situations. You will get through this. I am here.” Only in our darkest hours do we clearly see the light within ourselves.

I am sure your Christmas was blessed with many miracles. Did you see them? If not, no worries, for they will all be there tomorrow, too, just waiting to be found.

***

I should probably mention something that I should have mentioned a good while ago, but, as I said at the beginning of this post, I haven’t been able to face anything recently. My next post will be about Ilimoskus (though I have no idea when that will be) and I shall mention this ‘something’ then. I doubt I’ll post before New Year, so I wish you all a peaceful transition into 2015, and may joy and glee greet you on the other side. Let us reflect on all the positive 2014 gave us, and learn and gain strength and wisdom from the negative. Shine in your light, and in the light of the world.

See you on the other side, my friends 😉

And may the light from your heart always guide you
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11 responses to “Christmas Miracle

  1. Sorry you are ‘sprawling in sludge’ – not a very nice place to be 😉 I know for a fact that you are one of the loveliest people on the earth and your heart is always exactly in the right place! God will take the burden of panic and toss it into the North Sea. There it shall wallow in its own mire haha. Nasty anxiety!!

    Have a great new year and I am praying your walks get longer and for crying out loud, someone will put the blasted clock back on the wall!

    All peace and love x

    • Sludge is not nice indeed, but I am slowly getting out of it. Aww, well thank you, that is incredibly sweet of you to say! I trust in God; He will free me from this mire and keep my heart where it is meant to be: in the light.

      Thank you, Rick. I too pray for your New Year to be lovely, and for you to be strong through any worries and fears! He is with you all the way 🙂

      Haha, I know! Someone better put that clock back up 😉

      Peace be with you, x

  2. Dearest Jenny Jen Jen…I see you have kept the kettle simmering for me, even though I am so very late (as you know, I took a few weeks off from blogging, signing off before Christmas) for which I apologise.
    I have read this and your headscarf posts now, but wanted just to leave a message here for you, even though Christmas has been and gone and now here we are, almost halfway through January.
    I hope you were lifted just a little by the e-card I sent you, as I had you on my heart and mind very much over the Christmas period.
    I came down with a horrible cough and could just after Christmas and then lost my voice, only just now recovered but now battling pharyngitis and ear problems. But enough of that. So I well understand about being surrounded by the splutters o_O
    I know we have talked before about panic attacks. I am so glad you have your wonderful mother by your side. I actually had a little cry when I read this because my heart is so terribly heavy and has been for some time about my daughter. I don’t want to invade her privacy so won’t say anymore but I can say that from my point of view, I am laid oh so low and hoped that by writing my two year blogging anniversary post, I could get myself up and back rowing out to sea with my writing because I know from experience that nothing else helps (on a personal level I mean, not discounting the wonderful support I have from hubby who is an absolutely saint, I mean what that man deals with…but that’s another story, ha).
    Oh JJJ…why am I telling you all this? From a mother’s perspective I suppose (not that I see myself as your ‘mother blogger’ if you know what I mean, but as your friend!) but just that I really do hope and pray that 2015 is kinder, more beautiful and more blessed than any year before as you find your way through the sludge and out into the pure light of your darling moon, shining down on you and illuminating every path before you with clarity, vision, wisdom and renewed hope and joy. That is my prayer for you dear one ❤

    • Oh dear, don’t talk of January being halfway through already! Time has just zoomed by ):

      But hello, dear Sherri! The kettle is always on and waiting for you ^^ I very much loved that e-card you sent, thank you so very much for it. It was such a pretty scene and so very thoughtful.
      I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a nasty cough and cold! May it be banished from you soon! Everyone seems to have something miserable at the moment; I myself inevitably caught the nasty cold my family had, and though it took around two weeks to clear, thankfully I did not suffer with it as much as everyone else seemed to. But I sincerely hope you make a swift recovery soon ❤
      Oh Sherri, I am sorry you've been so low 😦 I know how it feels to have a head of lead, and often when you do sail out to sea, your heart is so heavy it sinks the boat and drags you under! But everything passes, and with your strength one day you and your daughter shall sail over to another land full of wonder and light and peace and colour and blue skies.

      Thank you for your friendship. Your words and support means an endless amount and I treasure it all deeply. I hope and pray the same for you, dear Sherri P! I pray that your heart grows light like a feather and you are free to embrace the love of the world, hand in hand with all those nearest and dearest to you. Peace and love for all your days, x

      • Oh you are so sweet…yet, I know you have been through such a rough time and here you are being so kind to me. ‘Grows light like a feather’. That is just beautiful, I shall remember that, always, thank you so much dearest Jenny Jen Jen ❤ Everything does indeed pass…and I do look forward to sailing over to that beautiful land…and I do continue to pray that you too find your way and freedom from those awful panic attacks and find peace and beauty and joy in the every day. You know where I am, the summerhouse is always open and welcoming you, the kettle always simmering away… 🙂 xx

      • But being kind to others is the best way to heal a broken heart, don’t you know 😉 Don’t you worry about me, I’m truly fine. I’ll meet you in that beautiful land 🙂 Or maybe we can even journey there together.
        It is touching beyond words to know that your Summerhouse of Secrets is always there, open and waiting. Peace be in your heart, dear Sherri P

  3. Wow, thank you for the honesty. I have been depressed myself but feeling better. It’s now towards the end of February. But yes, I believe in Christmas miracles. This past Christmas could have been the worst, but a miracle happened and it was the best.. I know what it feels like to be alone and sad. My friends really stepped up this year and made Christmas real for me.
    I have not blogged in quite awhile. I feel dry for words yet I am feeling better. I hope to return to blogging shortly.

    • Depression is a nasty one; it makes its sole purpose to demoralise its sufferers so that they may never know hope. But we are wise to this, which is why the people who suffer from depression are the greatest fighters know to man. Do not give up, my friend, you will be free someday.
      I am glad to hear your Christmas turned out to be good 🙂 There is no rush to return to blogging – come back whenever it calls you!

"What does your heart tell you?" - ToO, chpt. 32

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